All of us have social situations that we find difficult. A presentation at work, walking alone into a networking event, a first date… For people who experience social anxiety, simple social encounters such as a trip to the shop or a ride on the bus can feel just as daunting as giving your first TED talk.
Social anxiety, also known as social phobia, is a difficult anxiety to live with, affecting our social relationships, our work, and even our family lives. It’s often found alongside other mental health issues including depression and panic disorder.
But, the good news is that you can get help for social anxiety; and because it’s so common, there are tried-and-tested approaches to support you.
What is social anxiety, and how can we manage it?
How do I know if I have social anxiety?
As well as the most obviously stressful situations (presentations, wedding speeches, a new workplace), do you find other social interactions stressful? This could include meetings, trips to the shop, hairdresser or bank, parents’ evenings, eating in front of others, using public lavatories, travelling on public transport.
You’ll find yourself avoiding situations you find uncomfortable. Even if part of you long to go to the pub after work and get to know your perfectly nice-seeming colleagues, you just can’t face it. Severe social anxiety can hold people back in their careers and their personal lives.
The symptoms can be similar to a panic attack: rapid heart rate, dizziness, physical tension, sweating, feeling too hot or cold, stomach ache or upset. This can be during, just before, or even weeks before a social occasion.
What are the causes of social phobia?
The underlying fear is of being judged for your social actions. It’s of being somehow rejected by the other people in the situation for getting something wrong. But how does this fear develop?
There are various causes of social anxiety. It’s thought there may be genetic input, and coming from a family with some anxiety traits could also lead to more social nervousness. The opposite can also be true: being the quieter member of a domineering family can be a cause.
Social anxiety can be triggered by events. A bad experience of giving a presentation or an embarrassing date can lead to a spiralling of self-consciousness that eventually leads to full-on avoidance of social situations.
There’s been a mass trigger recently: the pandemic and lockdowns. I have heard so many people say, “I can’t do small talk anymore”, and it’s so easy to identify with this. For many people, this is simply a case of becoming “rusty” ; however, in some cases, the absence of regular interaction with colleagues and friends has led to increased social anxiety.
As social phobia often develops in the teenage years, it could come from bullying at school, or extreme self-consciousness about appearance. It’s too easy to explain away symptoms as hormones or typical teenage mood swings, when actually, there’s a whole lot of complex and negative thoughts happening in there.
Social anxiety and autism can overlap. The fear of not picking up on social cues or understanding peers’ behaviour can lead to social phobia among autistic people. Trying to live in a neurotypical world made up of seemingly alien social norms must be terrifying at times.
Myths about social anxiety
Firstly, social anxiety is not the same thing as shyness. Its other name, “social phobia”, perhaps makes this clearer. It’s a genuine fear of social situations that can prevent people from leading a normal life.
Secondly, don’t assume that because someone has some extravert traits that they can’t have social anxiety. Like all mental health issues, each individual has different aspects of the condition.
A teacher may be able to deliver daily maths lessons to 30 teenage students (let’s be honest, that’s something that most of us would find terrifying!) but be absolutely daunted by the idea of the staff Christmas party.
Another is the term “social”, which implies such gatherings as parties and works’ events. Actually, social refers to any interaction with another human, so a trip to the barber could be just as daunting as a wedding reception to some people.
And one of the biggest myths? It’s just part of you, and something you have to deal with. You’re “shy”. You’re “not good with people”. This isn’t the case at all: social anxiety can be managed by a combination of therapy and planning. Cinders, you shall go to the ball…
Managing social anxiety
If it looks like social anxiety is taking over your life, it’s time to seek help. You can see your GP or go directly to a therapist, and it’s a good idea to do this before the impact on your life increases. I help people manage social anxiety using the solution-focused approach, which creates an achievable pathway to reduce anxiety, while working towards a more positive future.
In the meantime, breathing exercises can help to calm you before a social interaction. Some element of planning can help: for example, choosing quieter times to visit the GP, or always sitting at the end of the restaurant table and by the door, so you don’t feel trapped. We can discuss strategies for daily life, and these can really help you boost your self-esteem and confidence again.
Avoid using alcohol to help you feel calmer in social situations: this is a short-term and potentially damaging solution. It’s tempting, but ultimately, it won’t help.
Help for social anxiety
Solution focused hypnotherapy is an excellent technique for managing social anxiety, as it focuses on a clear goal and works on an achievable pathway to get there. This “small steps” approach gradually reintroduces positive social experiences.
